Becoming

 Becoming

I have been through a lot of transformations in my life.  It seems when things get as bad as they are now the only thing to do is recognize the changes that are happening. So, once again, I am becoming.  I am discovering that I really do love to write.  I'm discovering once again that I can hold conversations with old friends even though I've been down and out for so long.

 The thing about depression is that it hangs on throughout the changes and every time I have to find ways to get through it.   I'm moving and I'm not doing it completely willingly.  I like my place, but the landlord is insane, and that makes it hard to stay here.  He's also raising the rent probably to a point I cannot afford.  So, the move.  

When I first found out I had to move I had a series of panic attacks and one big breakdown.  There is so much to do and so much to think about.  I've lived here for almost 10 years, and am settled into my routine.  But that is just comfort, there is real fear involved.  The fear that comes up is hard to deal with.  First of all, finding a place that I can afford is close to impossible. Yet, it has to be found.  Then thinking about the actual move causes even more panic.  I am alone.  I have a daughter who lives 150 miles away, but she is always too busy to bridge the gap more than a few times a year.  So, I figured I had to do the packing all by myself scaring myself silly.  (Turns out I had a few resources I didn't recognize.)  

It is getting done