Exercise

 It took me years of fighting my depression before I finally tried exercise.  I was pretty certain it wouldn't help, but I wanted to lose weight anyway, and so I did.  I have found that walking gives me the time to go over things in my head, allowing me to understand things better.  This helps me overall.

The part I didn't think about when I started was that it would help with the anxiety that goes along with my depression as well.  There is a sense of well-being that is created when I spend 30 minutes outside walking and thinking,  That sense of accomplishment is a great help since I am now disabled and do not have a regular routine.  I continue to get that sense of achievement as I lengthen my walks every week.

Walking may not be the exercise for you, but whatever you choose might help.  It is especially helpful with anxiety.  Start out slowly.  Don't overdo it.  Feeling sore and tired doesn't help.  Get moving and reap the benefits.

Coping With Depression (Medications)

Cophg is not curing, but something that helps you through the rough times.  This can include things like watching your favorite comedian to playing with a pet (or three depending on how many you have). . However, more things can help you through  I was in therapy for almost two years before I agreed to try an antidepressant.  I was very hesitant to try pills.   Let's face it pills are for diseases of the body, and my problem was in my head.  I was so wrong.  Antidepressants help considerably if you find the right one.  It is a process of trying one, waiting a few weeks to see if the results are good, and if not trying another.  This may seem like it is not worth it, but it is.  

I have been on several different kinds, but I was lucky and found a good one.  For me, I felt better, but not extremely good.   It took yet another pill added to my antidepressant, to make me feel like a real human being.  The other pill changed my life.  It is a booster to the original medication and it works well.  Oh, I still have moments of depression, sometimes for a day or two at a time, but I get through them with less difficulty and come out of them more quickly.  If you haven't tried an antidepressant, you might want to consider it.  Giving the pills a shot won't hurt you.  If the results are good the first time tell your doctor and try a different one.  Don't get me wrong they do not cure depression.   What they do is lighten the feeling.  I'm not a doctor, but if antidepressants have been suggested to you by a professional I suggest you try them. 

Depression comes with accompanying problems.   Many, I'm told, who suffer from depression whether situational or major depressive disorder also suffer from anxiety and those attacks can be complicated.  My antidepressant also helps keep the anxiety down.  There are separate medications for that if needed..

Don't be hesitant to take your provider's advice.  You might find your world lightening up.

The Work of Getting Better

It has been a difficult time these past 5 months, but I am getting on track.  I know that a blog should be consistent, and that is the next part of myself I want to work on.  I have decided that I want to write and publish my blog every two weeks, and I am hoping that I can and will do it.  The hardest part is deciding on topics to write on, and that will take thought.  So, here goes the next installment.

The most absurd thing about dealing with major depressive disorder is how much you learn about yourself.  Being in a depressed state can make you want to do nothing,   I've spent years trying to live an ordinary life,  A life wherein I can think clearly and make decisions quickly instead of being lost in the fog of depression.  A life that moves along steadily and without major depressive episodes. I simply want to get through each day feeling like I matter.  

It is finally beginning to seem to take shape, and I think I'm coming into my own. The depression is still around and still causes me to question myself and to quickly jump on myself thinking I'm doing things wrong, but I come out of these times a  little more easily and with a desire to not make myself miserable.

I don't know about everyone else, but I have trouble getting the constant belittling of myself to ease up. I grew up in a place where I was constantly told how worthless I was. This continues today when I am telling myself these things. However, I know that it is my voice I hear, and I want it to stay quiet. I can say to myself that I am not worthless and I believe it most of the time now.

I have a fairly good support system in place now.  I have a very good friend who is supportive and can help me find my way back when I get lost in the depression.  That is very important.  My support group which includes her, is good.  Since I've never before had a support system, this has become extremely important to me.  It includes an ex-therapist, my former nurse, a great friend who is also a caseworker for me, and a dear friend.  These people can make me smile and tell me when I'm too hard on myself.  This helps, but does not completely relieve, my depression.  It has been a glorious adventure in getting better.

Major depressive disorder is not an easy disorder to deal with.  I am not severely depressed all the time.  I have some days and weeks that are better, but even better now with my support system in place.  I strongly believe in therapy to help as talking things out helps to air out problems and get another perspective on matters.  

If you are suffering from situational depression, only occasional depression, these tips will help as well. Situational depression can be caused by things such as divorce, a breakup, the loss of a loved one, loneliness, getting on in age, and others.  Things that cause situational depression can generally be overcome with help and work.  Like with major depression you must make yourself work on things that help, and listen to the advice given by professionals in the field.  

Work on getting better, and you might get a pleasant surprise.

 

Support Systems

I've been suffering from depression most of my life.  People would ask me if I had a support system in place, and I always had to answer "no".  The truth of it is that my family (mom, dad, sister brother) was never there to support me.  They were an angry and highly critical group, and each one only had eyes for themselves.  Starting out with alcoholic parents was what broke everything apart.  Anyway, I have, for the first time in my life a support system, and at its head is the therapist I am about to lose.  That really scares me.   It took most of a lifetime to get a support system, and I don't know how it happened, except that it started with my therapist.  As you might have guessed, I think she's the best.  I have a group of people who actually care about me as a human being, and it is so nice.  How do you rebuild that?  Luckily, not everyone is going away at once.

I also have a friend (who is actually my caseworker) who is an integral part of that group.  This man is so energetic it appears he has become the Energizer guy.  This is fascinating to me as I haven't got that much energy at all.  He, though, is more than that.  He is genuinely compassionate and eager to help even though that is his job.  He treats me as though I am as good as everyone else and in doing so is helping me to realize he is right.  He makes me laugh and wants to listen when I am having trouble with anything.  It is his goal to someday become a talk therapist.  In my opinion, which comes from experiencing many therapists, he will be an excellent one someday.  He is help, compassion, and laughter all wrapped up in an intelligent package.  

There is one more original member in that group.  She is a nurse who works with me professionally, but she has opened her mind and heart to me personally.  This lady is always very busy, but she helps whenever she can.  This help is given genuinely and with thought and laughter.  We have long talks on a lot of topics, and it is interesting and stimulating.  This lady has strong beliefs, but never tries to impose them on me, and that I appreciate.  It takes one hell of a person to be able to do that.  I am lucky to call her a friend.

Most people have just plain friends and family for a support group.  I have a group of professionals who have become friends that do that for me.  True, most of our time is scheduled, but these people go above and beyond the professions they work in, and are teaching me to accept other people too.  I worry that my growth in this direction will fail without even one of them, but I will remember what I am learning and hope that will carry me through.  

Why do I call this blog "The Absurdities of Depression"?  Because of the depression, I have learned to laugh and open my mind and heart to all sorts of things and people.  Because of depression, I am learning to live better.  That is absurd.

Saying Goodbye Blues

 Saying goodbye to someone is never easy.  Saying goodbye to a therapist after 4 years of intense hard work seems impossible.

I have learned so much about myself and my depression in the past four years.  My self-esteem is better than it has been in years.   We have worked very hard in order to hammer out some debilitating thoughts that seem to be automatic.  Not all of those debilitating thoughts are gone, but what I have learned in therapy has made knocking out those thoughts much easier.  Yes, through therapy you can learn to give yourself a break.

This is only a part of what I have learned from my therapist, but it is a big part.  When we started working together some 4 years ago I was almost housebound.  I had isolated myself as much as I could and spent long hours alone mired in depression. That was difficult, and it was getting worse until my therapist helped me see that I could come out from under that depression, and that is exactly what she did.  Through my work with her, I learned that I was still a human being, and not simply a bag of bones.  We worked really hard that first year, even though I thought I wasn't going to get anywhere.  Now, although I still have moments when I feel I am worthless, they are much fewer and farther between.  I'm afraid of losing her, but she has taught me how to look at myself as an intelligent, creative, and funny human being.  Through what I have learned I am now capable of meeting the eyes of others and exploring the possibility of relationships through conversation.  I also leave the house without worrying that other people think badly of the way I look.  It has been a very big transformation.

My therapist works with compassion and is never impatient.  She has been there through suicidal ideation and panic attacks and never seems to lose her patience with me.  I have heard some things over and over, but I actually heard what she had to say because of her wonderful way of expressing herself and her thoughts to me.  I am definitely afraid of losing her, but I know it won't help me to try to hang on to something that has to end.  I hope we will still remain friends because we think a lot alike.  Not a relationship as a therapist to client, but just as two people who enjoy each other.  

She has hooked me up with a new therapist who will take over in a couple of weeks.  I worry about how this relationship will unfold, but I also know that she wouldn't hook me up with someone without compassion.  I will make it through, and I hope to do so better than at any other time in my life.  I will work with the new therapist for quite a while before I decide whether the relationship is working.  If not, I will find someone else.  I don't expect anyone as good as my current therapist, but I know that with time and guidance, I will work through this.  The guidance is important.

My therapist does not tell me I am doing anything the wrong way, but she does suggest ways that might work better (they usually do) and I try them and they tend to work.  She is not a taskmaster, but a teacher who works kindly and gently with her charges.  Therapy always works whether the relationship is as good as ours, and if you are questioning whether to try it or not just go for it.  It is a very good thing.

Situational Blues

     I'm back.  As back as I ever am.  I had to move which was a big deal, and then just when I got things back to where I could blog, my sister passed.  It has been a very eventful August/September.  Anyway, I am experiencing situational blues, and they are hitting hard.  My sister and I didn't get along all the time, but still, we were the last of the family.  Now it is only me.

    I'm having trouble getting accustomed to my new place.  This is hitting me hard, and all I can think of is that I want to go back to where I was.  That's ridiculous.  There is no reason to want to go back, but still, my mind tells me it is what I want.   I wish I could feel like the new place is home.  The problem with MDD is that it tends to draw on all aspects of life for the energy to keep it going.  That takes energy away from problem-solving in other areas of my life. 

I am lucky to have a good therapist who will help me get through these things with aplomb.  Talk therapy is good for many things, especially working your way through the difficult times.  It will help relieve the situational depression, and I am looking forward to that.

 I can't believe I did that.  I have suffered from MDD Recurrent Severe for years, and am adept at telling people what those of us suffering from depression don't want to hear.  No "pull yourself up by the bootstraps or "get over it" as these things do not help.  But saying "Don't be depressed" is one of the worst, and I just said that to a friend. 

I was surprised that this person was genuinely feeling so blue and I said "Don't be depressed" without even thinking. It was a knee-jerk reaction to the pain being felt by someone that is somehow close to me.  There are those in this world who should not be the ones suffering from this disease, but it picks who it wants, and that person has to put up with it.  Depression sucks.

The friend who was feeling blue did not make note of my slip (thank heavens).  I'm pretty sure I won't make that mistake again. 

I want to be a good friend to someone who is down.  All I can rely on is my own knowledge of what it feels like to be down.  I think that will guide me in the right direction.  This disclosure, that my friend was feeling blue, took me by surprise, and that was why I reacted the way I did. Here's to those of us who have felt blue and want to help others who are as well.