Saying Goodbye Blues

 Saying goodbye to someone is never easy.  Saying goodbye to a therapist after 4 years of intense hard work seems impossible.

I have learned so much about myself and my depression in the past four years.  My self-esteem is better than it has been in years.   We have worked very hard in order to hammer out some debilitating thoughts that seem to be automatic.  Not all of those debilitating thoughts are gone, but what I have learned in therapy has made knocking out those thoughts much easier.  Yes, through therapy you can learn to give yourself a break.

This is only a part of what I have learned from my therapist, but it is a big part.  When we started working together some 4 years ago I was almost housebound.  I had isolated myself as much as I could and spent long hours alone mired in depression. That was difficult, and it was getting worse until my therapist helped me see that I could come out from under that depression, and that is exactly what she did.  Through my work with her, I learned that I was still a human being, and not simply a bag of bones.  We worked really hard that first year, even though I thought I wasn't going to get anywhere.  Now, although I still have moments when I feel I am worthless, they are much fewer and farther between.  I'm afraid of losing her, but she has taught me how to look at myself as an intelligent, creative, and funny human being.  Through what I have learned I am now capable of meeting the eyes of others and exploring the possibility of relationships through conversation.  I also leave the house without worrying that other people think badly of the way I look.  It has been a very big transformation.

My therapist works with compassion and is never impatient.  She has been there through suicidal ideation and panic attacks and never seems to lose her patience with me.  I have heard some things over and over, but I actually heard what she had to say because of her wonderful way of expressing herself and her thoughts to me.  I am definitely afraid of losing her, but I know it won't help me to try to hang on to something that has to end.  I hope we will still remain friends because we think a lot alike.  Not a relationship as a therapist to client, but just as two people who enjoy each other.  

She has hooked me up with a new therapist who will take over in a couple of weeks.  I worry about how this relationship will unfold, but I also know that she wouldn't hook me up with someone without compassion.  I will make it through, and I hope to do so better than at any other time in my life.  I will work with the new therapist for quite a while before I decide whether the relationship is working.  If not, I will find someone else.  I don't expect anyone as good as my current therapist, but I know that with time and guidance, I will work through this.  The guidance is important.

My therapist does not tell me I am doing anything the wrong way, but she does suggest ways that might work better (they usually do) and I try them and they tend to work.  She is not a taskmaster, but a teacher who works kindly and gently with her charges.  Therapy always works whether the relationship is as good as ours, and if you are questioning whether to try it or not just go for it.  It is a very good thing.