Support Systems

I've been suffering from depression most of my life.  People would ask me if I had a support system in place, and I always had to answer "no".  The truth of it is that my family (mom, dad, sister brother) was never there to support me.  They were an angry and highly critical group, and each one only had eyes for themselves.  Starting out with alcoholic parents was what broke everything apart.  Anyway, I have, for the first time in my life a support system, and at its head is the therapist I am about to lose.  That really scares me.   It took most of a lifetime to get a support system, and I don't know how it happened, except that it started with my therapist.  As you might have guessed, I think she's the best.  I have a group of people who actually care about me as a human being, and it is so nice.  How do you rebuild that?  Luckily, not everyone is going away at once.

I also have a friend (who is actually my caseworker) who is an integral part of that group.  This man is so energetic it appears he has become the Energizer guy.  This is fascinating to me as I haven't got that much energy at all.  He, though, is more than that.  He is genuinely compassionate and eager to help even though that is his job.  He treats me as though I am as good as everyone else and in doing so is helping me to realize he is right.  He makes me laugh and wants to listen when I am having trouble with anything.  It is his goal to someday become a talk therapist.  In my opinion, which comes from experiencing many therapists, he will be an excellent one someday.  He is help, compassion, and laughter all wrapped up in an intelligent package.  

There is one more original member in that group.  She is a nurse who works with me professionally, but she has opened her mind and heart to me personally.  This lady is always very busy, but she helps whenever she can.  This help is given genuinely and with thought and laughter.  We have long talks on a lot of topics, and it is interesting and stimulating.  This lady has strong beliefs, but never tries to impose them on me, and that I appreciate.  It takes one hell of a person to be able to do that.  I am lucky to call her a friend.

Most people have just plain friends and family for a support group.  I have a group of professionals who have become friends that do that for me.  True, most of our time is scheduled, but these people go above and beyond the professions they work in, and are teaching me to accept other people too.  I worry that my growth in this direction will fail without even one of them, but I will remember what I am learning and hope that will carry me through.  

Why do I call this blog "The Absurdities of Depression"?  Because of the depression, I have learned to laugh and open my mind and heart to all sorts of things and people.  Because of depression, I am learning to live better.  That is absurd.

Saying Goodbye Blues

 Saying goodbye to someone is never easy.  Saying goodbye to a therapist after 4 years of intense hard work seems impossible.

I have learned so much about myself and my depression in the past four years.  My self-esteem is better than it has been in years.   We have worked very hard in order to hammer out some debilitating thoughts that seem to be automatic.  Not all of those debilitating thoughts are gone, but what I have learned in therapy has made knocking out those thoughts much easier.  Yes, through therapy you can learn to give yourself a break.

This is only a part of what I have learned from my therapist, but it is a big part.  When we started working together some 4 years ago I was almost housebound.  I had isolated myself as much as I could and spent long hours alone mired in depression. That was difficult, and it was getting worse until my therapist helped me see that I could come out from under that depression, and that is exactly what she did.  Through my work with her, I learned that I was still a human being, and not simply a bag of bones.  We worked really hard that first year, even though I thought I wasn't going to get anywhere.  Now, although I still have moments when I feel I am worthless, they are much fewer and farther between.  I'm afraid of losing her, but she has taught me how to look at myself as an intelligent, creative, and funny human being.  Through what I have learned I am now capable of meeting the eyes of others and exploring the possibility of relationships through conversation.  I also leave the house without worrying that other people think badly of the way I look.  It has been a very big transformation.

My therapist works with compassion and is never impatient.  She has been there through suicidal ideation and panic attacks and never seems to lose her patience with me.  I have heard some things over and over, but I actually heard what she had to say because of her wonderful way of expressing herself and her thoughts to me.  I am definitely afraid of losing her, but I know it won't help me to try to hang on to something that has to end.  I hope we will still remain friends because we think a lot alike.  Not a relationship as a therapist to client, but just as two people who enjoy each other.  

She has hooked me up with a new therapist who will take over in a couple of weeks.  I worry about how this relationship will unfold, but I also know that she wouldn't hook me up with someone without compassion.  I will make it through, and I hope to do so better than at any other time in my life.  I will work with the new therapist for quite a while before I decide whether the relationship is working.  If not, I will find someone else.  I don't expect anyone as good as my current therapist, but I know that with time and guidance, I will work through this.  The guidance is important.

My therapist does not tell me I am doing anything the wrong way, but she does suggest ways that might work better (they usually do) and I try them and they tend to work.  She is not a taskmaster, but a teacher who works kindly and gently with her charges.  Therapy always works whether the relationship is as good as ours, and if you are questioning whether to try it or not just go for it.  It is a very good thing.