Support Systems

I've been suffering from depression most of my life.  People would ask me if I had a support system in place, and I always had to answer "no".  The truth of it is that my family (mom, dad, sister brother) was never there to support me.  They were an angry and highly critical group, and each one only had eyes for themselves.  Starting out with alcoholic parents was what broke everything apart.  Anyway, I have, for the first time in my life a support system, and at its head is the therapist I am about to lose.  That really scares me.   It took most of a lifetime to get a support system, and I don't know how it happened, except that it started with my therapist.  As you might have guessed, I think she's the best.  I have a group of people who actually care about me as a human being, and it is so nice.  How do you rebuild that?  Luckily, not everyone is going away at once.

I also have a friend (who is actually my caseworker) who is an integral part of that group.  This man is so energetic it appears he has become the Energizer guy.  This is fascinating to me as I haven't got that much energy at all.  He, though, is more than that.  He is genuinely compassionate and eager to help even though that is his job.  He treats me as though I am as good as everyone else and in doing so is helping me to realize he is right.  He makes me laugh and wants to listen when I am having trouble with anything.  It is his goal to someday become a talk therapist.  In my opinion, which comes from experiencing many therapists, he will be an excellent one someday.  He is help, compassion, and laughter all wrapped up in an intelligent package.  

There is one more original member in that group.  She is a nurse who works with me professionally, but she has opened her mind and heart to me personally.  This lady is always very busy, but she helps whenever she can.  This help is given genuinely and with thought and laughter.  We have long talks on a lot of topics, and it is interesting and stimulating.  This lady has strong beliefs, but never tries to impose them on me, and that I appreciate.  It takes one hell of a person to be able to do that.  I am lucky to call her a friend.

Most people have just plain friends and family for a support group.  I have a group of professionals who have become friends that do that for me.  True, most of our time is scheduled, but these people go above and beyond the professions they work in, and are teaching me to accept other people too.  I worry that my growth in this direction will fail without even one of them, but I will remember what I am learning and hope that will carry me through.  

Why do I call this blog "The Absurdities of Depression"?  Because of the depression, I have learned to laugh and open my mind and heart to all sorts of things and people.  Because of depression, I am learning to live better.  That is absurd.

Saying Goodbye Blues

 Saying goodbye to someone is never easy.  Saying goodbye to a therapist after 4 years of intense hard work seems impossible.

I have learned so much about myself and my depression in the past four years.  My self-esteem is better than it has been in years.   We have worked very hard in order to hammer out some debilitating thoughts that seem to be automatic.  Not all of those debilitating thoughts are gone, but what I have learned in therapy has made knocking out those thoughts much easier.  Yes, through therapy you can learn to give yourself a break.

This is only a part of what I have learned from my therapist, but it is a big part.  When we started working together some 4 years ago I was almost housebound.  I had isolated myself as much as I could and spent long hours alone mired in depression. That was difficult, and it was getting worse until my therapist helped me see that I could come out from under that depression, and that is exactly what she did.  Through my work with her, I learned that I was still a human being, and not simply a bag of bones.  We worked really hard that first year, even though I thought I wasn't going to get anywhere.  Now, although I still have moments when I feel I am worthless, they are much fewer and farther between.  I'm afraid of losing her, but she has taught me how to look at myself as an intelligent, creative, and funny human being.  Through what I have learned I am now capable of meeting the eyes of others and exploring the possibility of relationships through conversation.  I also leave the house without worrying that other people think badly of the way I look.  It has been a very big transformation.

My therapist works with compassion and is never impatient.  She has been there through suicidal ideation and panic attacks and never seems to lose her patience with me.  I have heard some things over and over, but I actually heard what she had to say because of her wonderful way of expressing herself and her thoughts to me.  I am definitely afraid of losing her, but I know it won't help me to try to hang on to something that has to end.  I hope we will still remain friends because we think a lot alike.  Not a relationship as a therapist to client, but just as two people who enjoy each other.  

She has hooked me up with a new therapist who will take over in a couple of weeks.  I worry about how this relationship will unfold, but I also know that she wouldn't hook me up with someone without compassion.  I will make it through, and I hope to do so better than at any other time in my life.  I will work with the new therapist for quite a while before I decide whether the relationship is working.  If not, I will find someone else.  I don't expect anyone as good as my current therapist, but I know that with time and guidance, I will work through this.  The guidance is important.

My therapist does not tell me I am doing anything the wrong way, but she does suggest ways that might work better (they usually do) and I try them and they tend to work.  She is not a taskmaster, but a teacher who works kindly and gently with her charges.  Therapy always works whether the relationship is as good as ours, and if you are questioning whether to try it or not just go for it.  It is a very good thing.

Situational Blues

     I'm back.  As back as I ever am.  I had to move which was a big deal, and then just when I got things back to where I could blog, my sister passed.  It has been a very eventful August/September.  Anyway, I am experiencing situational blues, and they are hitting hard.  My sister and I didn't get along all the time, but still, we were the last of the family.  Now it is only me.

    I'm having trouble getting accustomed to my new place.  This is hitting me hard, and all I can think of is that I want to go back to where I was.  That's ridiculous.  There is no reason to want to go back, but still, my mind tells me it is what I want.   I wish I could feel like the new place is home.  The problem with MDD is that it tends to draw on all aspects of life for the energy to keep it going.  That takes energy away from problem-solving in other areas of my life. 

I am lucky to have a good therapist who will help me get through these things with aplomb.  Talk therapy is good for many things, especially working your way through the difficult times.  It will help relieve the situational depression, and I am looking forward to that.

 I can't believe I did that.  I have suffered from MDD Recurrent Severe for years, and am adept at telling people what those of us suffering from depression don't want to hear.  No "pull yourself up by the bootstraps or "get over it" as these things do not help.  But saying "Don't be depressed" is one of the worst, and I just said that to a friend. 

I was surprised that this person was genuinely feeling so blue and I said "Don't be depressed" without even thinking. It was a knee-jerk reaction to the pain being felt by someone that is somehow close to me.  There are those in this world who should not be the ones suffering from this disease, but it picks who it wants, and that person has to put up with it.  Depression sucks.

The friend who was feeling blue did not make note of my slip (thank heavens).  I'm pretty sure I won't make that mistake again. 

I want to be a good friend to someone who is down.  All I can rely on is my own knowledge of what it feels like to be down.  I think that will guide me in the right direction.  This disclosure, that my friend was feeling blue, took me by surprise, and that was why I reacted the way I did. Here's to those of us who have felt blue and want to help others who are as well.

Becoming

 Becoming

I have been through a lot of transformations in my life.  It seems when things get as bad as they are now the only thing to do is recognize the changes that are happening. So, once again, I am becoming.  I am discovering that I really do love to write.  I'm discovering once again that I can hold conversations with old friends even though I've been down and out for so long.

 The thing about depression is that it hangs on throughout the changes and every time I have to find ways to get through it.   I'm moving and I'm not doing it completely willingly.  I like my place, but the landlord is insane, and that makes it hard to stay here.  He's also raising the rent probably to a point I cannot afford.  So, the move.  

When I first found out I had to move I had a series of panic attacks and one big breakdown.  There is so much to do and so much to think about.  I've lived here for almost 10 years, and am settled into my routine.  But that is just comfort, there is real fear involved.  The fear that comes up is hard to deal with.  First of all, finding a place that I can afford is close to impossible. Yet, it has to be found.  Then thinking about the actual move causes even more panic.  I am alone.  I have a daughter who lives 150 miles away, but she is always too busy to bridge the gap more than a few times a year.  So, I figured I had to do the packing all by myself scaring myself silly.  (Turns out I had a few resources I didn't recognize.)  

It is getting done 

  

Silly Thoughts!

 Life gives us options as well as conditions.  I have only ever found one thing that life cannot hamper, and that is silliness.  Strange but true.  Silly makes the world go 'round.  We can be furious, but if something silly comes along we are laughing before we know it.  We all need more silliness in our lives.

Major depressive disorder is hard to deal with at times, but as I have begun to heal I've noticed a strong craving for the silly parts of life.  I have a friend who is very silly.  He throws smiles out like someone in New Orleans on a parade float throws out trinkets.  You can't help but smile when in his presence, and he is not doing this with any intention other than to make those around him smile.  It works.  

What has this to do with depression?  A great deal.  Those of us with this particular mental illness have a tendency to stay inside ourselves and not go out and deal with the real world until someone silly comes around to drag us kicking and screaming into the world.  My friend is my caseworker, which I find odd.  In the first place, why did I get so lucky?  He is extremely intelligent and very compassionate and is very good at his job.  I am a lucky duck.  We need more people in our lives who see things through a laugh and/or a smile.  We would find ourselves more likely to burst into laughter from time to time.  I thank the people out there who still know how to be silly, and urge those of us who struggle with depression to seek out the true silliness in our world.  Then share it with your therapist.

Waking up in the Dark

 Waking up in the Dark

The depressive disorder has some added features I haven't spoken about.  The insomnia is very powerful, and so, I am always up at an ungodly hour.  I was up at 2:30 this morning.  I try to make things seem as normal as possible, but I am always glancing out the window to the darkness beyond. It is a difficult thing because I react to the darkness as I do to anything else that inspires depression.

When I go to sleep at night I always wish I would sleep through the night, but it doesn't happen.  I wake up, turn on the tv and wander the apartment restlessly.  I am constantly looking for that one thing that will take my mind away from my worries.   During that search, I found some things that help.  

Reading is the first on my list. I love to read a really good piece of fiction.  My area of interest is mostly urban fantasy.  Not many people discover that one. If the story is good enough it will hold me in place for as long as 5 minutes, and lately, that's a long time.

Another thing I have discovered is mindful and/or stress-reducing coloring for adults.  Oddly enough it is actually pretty cool.  I am not a detail-minded person, and in this activity, you can be very detailed or not quite so much and still look good.  Amazon has adult coloring books and gel ink pens in hundreds of colors.  The richness of the colors has a wonderful effect on me, and I wouldn't be surprised if it would be for everyone else as well.  Not only does this activity tend to engross people, it also allows the creative juices to flow.  This alone provides the mind with a healthy place to go, but it can also tickle the self-esteem muscle until it is stronger than before.  Thank you, Austin.

Lastly, one of my favorite things to do is to write.  I can get some things done this early in the morning that I could never have done mid-day.  I haven't written fiction in a while, but along with blogging that is one of the things I like to write.  Depression feeds on loneliness, and the hours between 2 am and dawn can be nothing but lonely.  This is where these activities come in handy.  They help take the edge off because the mind is focused elsewhere.

Do you suffer from insomnia because of your depression?  Insomnia can be related to a lot of different issues, but having a plan when it happens really eases the stress it causes.  There can be other quiet hobbies that help as well.  Do you sew?  If you have a good lamp this one could help a lot.  How about knitting or crocheting Christmas gifts.  Painting plaster bisque comes to mind.  All in all, insomnia is better spent concentrating on things other than what has kept you awake.  If you have any late-night activity suggestions, please let me know.  

Coming out of the Dark 

by a client not a therapist 

Healing is not something I have expected the last 10 years.  However, I've been better in the last few months to the point where I thought I was close to being healed.  My depression played a joke on me.  It lulled me into believing I had a chance at leaving it behind.  

Then I got thrown into hell.  I went through some kind of hellish episode with my depression that was triggered by what was talked about in a therapy session.  I didn't expect this from the topic we talked about.   It was a very deep depression with severe anxiety.  I thought about checking myself into a hospital.  To say the least, it was the worst episode I've had in years, maybe ever.  Depression laughed in my face.

Coming out of it I felt like blaming my therapist for it.  This makes no sense, but it is what I felt.  I  wanted to stomp my feet and yell at her, as though she somehow made this happen.  I didn't but I felt like it nonetheless.  What this says about me, I don't know.  What I do know is that after that session it took five days for everything to erupt.  Nerves and sadness boiled up taking me over from head to toe. As I went through this I disassociated.  I don't do the version of that where one has an out of body experience, but I do wipe out the memories of the bad things that happened.  

The point of all this is that I'm recovering from this awful mess at lightning speed.  I am better.  Much better than I expected to be some 10 days later.  This sort of thing would have had me down for months as little as a year ago, but one week later I felt myself coming back to where I was before it all happened.  It says a lot about how much I've healed in the past few months.

The point of all this is that if you follow through with your therapist, and various other things such as medication suggested by psychological specialists, you get better.  Better enough that huge setbacks don't last forever.  You come around and can stick out your tongue at the depression that wants to hold you back.  Keep truckin' and you could get surprised just like I did.  Depression looks like a big dark monster, but it's a softy.

Blog Information 

As I've noted before, I'm not a mental health specialist.  I'm just a client.  However, I have tried to learn about depression, I have posted a few blogs I'm following for the pertinent information they hand out.  It is not my desire to sell anyone anything, but it is to help people find useful information.  The blogs listed seemed to be able to do just that, and if I'm incorrect I apologize.   I'll add more as I find them.  Hope this helps.  You can find websites that strictly offer advice.  Those that let you read replies are interesting.  There do, however, seem to be a number of them that are about specific medications for sale or that are offering online therapy that you pay for.  If that is what you want that's great, but note l that both kinds can rely on you spending money. Just pick and choose what is relevant to you. 

Darkness

Life before relief was difficult.  

Three years ago.

I had to breathe, but I didn't want to.  Each breath was an experiment in living that went beyond the desire to do so.   I only remember darkness and the feeling of being covered with several wet and heavy blankets, so breath was hard to get. There was no yesterday and no tomorrow, but the worst was there was no today either.  There was just this one bleak moment.  Life was without texture, color or meaning.  It was pointless.  I didn't understand why I continued to live in this dark place. It was abysmal. I considered suicide, but I am a chicken so I'm still here.  I fervently wished I would go into a coma-like state and wake up a year or two later.  Facing every moment of every day was a new experience in pain each time.

  I was depressed or more depressed, but crying was and is something that I could not do.  I eventually had to come out of the bedroom where I had sequestered myself because of another kind of pain.  Not depression kind of pain, but physical pain in my back.  I could barely walk it was so bad.  I somehow had the wherewithal to go to the doctor because the pain in my back was horrendous.  The doctor didn't do a damn thing for my back, but she did send me to the hospital psych unit.  I was so angry the depression moved into a secondary position in my mind, and I began to think a little.  Then, a young psychiatrist with the hospital put me on a new medication and from there it was one painful slow step up at a time.  The medication began to creep in and help me clear the dark fog from my head.  It wasn't fast, but it was there.  When I went home, I spent more time outside the bedroom and talking to my daughter and a friend on the phone.  I'm sure from their perspective our conversations were dismal, but they didn't quit on me.

Things didn't really start to clear up until I got rid of the idiot who sent me to the psych unit for back pain.  The new young primary care giver recognized that there was still a long way to go.  She gently increased my meds and would eventually help me find an add on medication that really helped get rid of the fog.  My new caregiver found a competent therapist for me to work with, and I was on the way to a new existence.  

That dark time is now a solid memory, but only a memory.  I have a competent doctor to thank for that.  I may never be rid of depression completely, but if it ever gets really bad again I have the memory of walking out of it the first time to spur me forward.

It took years to get me to this point.  I'm not completely free of the depression.  I probably never will be, but I can think and act and do things.  I don't have the money to do a lot, but still I am moving forward.  I get terrified every time someone suggests changing up my medication as the combination and doses I'm on now have taken me from complete darkness to the occasional sunshine of everyday life.  I don't want to mess with that.  I still have many of the problems depression carts along with it, but I can breathe and move and actually smile on occasion.  Life is hope now.

Do WHAT?

 By a client not a professional.

The way people react to a diagnosis of mental illness is absurd.  What is even worse is the way they react to a person who is depressed.  Some avoid those with depression.  I'm not sure if they are afraid it is contagious, they lack the patience (although why it would take patience is beyond me), or they simply find someone who has some sort of disorder to be beneath notice. Yet, to even things out between those with depression and those without, those without it love to say stupid things.

When finding someone sad and dejected some revert to saying rather idiotically "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."  Now, I'm sure a century or so ago people did have straps on their boots.  What purpose they served is beyond my ken, but someone decided they could be used to pull a body out of sadness.  This makes no sense as depression is not a physical state.  Thinking about this makes me laugh.  If someone told me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and I tried to comply I would certainly land on my derrière. The only mood elevator that would produce would be to humiliate me, and I think that would be a step down instead of up.

Someone else might tell one to buck up.  That is fairly simple and utterly without definition.  Buck up could mean going out, catching a male dear, and wandering around with it.  Why this would make someone feel less sad is hard to say.  Maybe the advice giver thinks the person will be totally amused by the animal and will laugh themselves free of dejection.  I don't believe that, but who am I to say.  Maybe our mysterious advisor thinks getting a lot of money will help.  It might.  I'm always happier to have a few bucks in my pocket than I am to be broke.  I don't see it as curing depression though.

How about the simple "feel better."  Don't people think that if you could simply make yourself feel better you would?  One cannot be ordered to feel better.  One could be so ordered and then act like they felt better, but that wouldn't be true.  Or perhaps it is meant in the context of literally reaching out and touching with more efficiency the things around you.  That could be dicey though.  If what is close by you is another person. . .Well enough said.

I think the worst one of all these things people say is "get over it."  If nothing else, it sounds a bit cruel. How would you propose one go about this.  Thinking out the mechanics of what you want someone to do before you say this just might bring this saying to a halt.  Can you imagine that cranky and cantankerous person who utters these words while trying to give step-by-step instructions to the depressed?  I seriously doubt that would ever happen. If it does, somebody call me I'd like to see it.

Depression does not have a cure that can be uttered in a few words.  It is a complicated state that is informed by genetics as well as by the environment.  Take time to say a few kind words, and not make out like this would be easy.

What "Difference" Does it Make?

 By one who attends therapy.

I really dislike Sundays.  Why? Because I tend to get depressed more easily and more deeply on Sundays.  I don't understand this, but I know it is true.  There are a lot of things I and others do not understand about me, and I think that fact leads to depression.

    I just ate a bowl of ham and bean soup for breakfast.  Why not?  It is food just as eggs and toast are food, and it is a food I like.  I also love to have a good chili dog for breakfast.  I don't understand having to do things a certain way just because someone says so.  I've never been good a complying with the "traditional" way of doing things.  I'm not way out there.  I don't wander around in my undergarments, and I don't do things that might hurt others.  I am just different.  This difference has at times, deepened my descent into depression. I think it is because it has made those around me question me or make snide comments. My mom always wondered why I wasn't more like my sister, or my cousins.  I have come to really appreciate my differences and accept the ones I don't appreciate.

I've come closer to complying with the "norm" as I've gotten older.  When I was in my early 40s and my daughter was starting college, I hung out with people her age.  I also dated people her age. Others found that scandalous, but I just wanted to be with those who let me be myself.  That has never been true of people my own age.  Frankly, it has never been true of people in general.  We wonder why depression is so prevalent these days.  I think we have a hard time allowing those we know and/or love to be different without criticizing them or laughing at them.  I know because those things happen to me all the time.

I have a neighbor who dislikes me intensely because my house is not neat and tidy like hers.  I'm basically a slob, but I work at it, so it isn't too terribly bad.  However, I really don't care whether everything is in its place, or that the dishes are all done.  I get things done as I see fit.  My neighbor's idea of "right" is making sure everything is very clean, organized, and well-placed.  She spends a great deal of what little free time she has cleaning.  That leads to sour pussness.  I get depressed on occasion because it is difficult to be disliked by someone who doesn't know me.  So I have a paper on the floor, or a jacket hanging over the arm of the sofa.  I am generally kind and intelligent.  Find someone else to scorn for their habits. I will never want to be just like anyone else.  

I have an excellent education all the way through graduate school.  However, I am disabled now as well as retired so I wear the funkiest t-shirts I can find. The criterion for a funky t-shirt is that it is cheap.  I don't want to stand out, but more than that I don't want to stand down.  

Battling depression is difficult.  It would be easier, though, if we allowed one another to express ourselves without fear of the barbs and criticisms that tend to get thrown around.  Don't decide someone is wrong because they don't live by your concept of what "should" be. I love to wear hats, odd though they are, and I love cats.  I think I need to spend more time with those things.   I guess maybe now I'll start going off on those that think it fine to laugh at or criticize me.  At least it will let some steam off.  Let the guy next to you be himself.  You'll be contributing to a better world.

Dial a Friend

 © 2023 Written by one who is the client not the mental health professional 

Even though it is partly genetics, we go through a lot in our lives to wind up with depression.  It isn't fun and is made worse by people who misunderstand the diagnosis.  Whether you are going through something that is not permanent like a situational depression, or you are like me and suffer major depressive disorder and are fighting a longer battle, it is your right to find a well-fitting therapist.

 You don't want to trust too easily or give up too soon.  I've known a lot of people who have gone to a therapist once or twice and stated that they did not think it could work out.  That is like saying you can buy a car without test-driving it.  It takes more than one or two visits to tell if the rapport between you and the therapist can work.  It may be that you really can't work with someone, but the time you spend learning that will benefit you even if it isn't what you were looking for.

 I think a good therapist should be able to empathize with their client.  It probably would be bad to have a therapist who has little to no empathy.  But never assume you know how much empathy someone has for your situation. Also, the person you go to should have the right amount of compassion and empathy for you in particular.  Some might need more and others less.  One should feel safe, heard, and welcome when talking to the therapist.  

Therapy isn't just talking, though that plays a big part in it. It is also observing, analyzing, and diagnosing.  Those things should be done without much of the emotional component.  We want our therapist to be able to back away from becoming emotionally involved so that he or she can guide us to uncover what is going on.  Understand, I'm not a professional, but these things seem obvious to me. The therapist does not fix us; we fix ourselves under their guidance.  This is why they cannot become totally emotionally involved.  Also, therapy must allow the individual experiencing it to be him or herself.  If we are not comfortable with being who we truly are, then the therapy we get will be gauged toward another individual. The one we pretend to be.   

Sometimes being ourselves is very difficult especially if we as the client do not like who we are.  If we are trying to be what we believe others will like, it is fairly certain that the therapy will not work for us. Trust is a huge issue.  We cannot rely on a therapist if we do not trust in them at least to some extent.  My single biggest issue with therapy is learning to trust completely.  I have, however, learned to come close and it has benefitted me greatly.  If you are not able to trust in your therapist, you should talk to him or her about it.  That might help. It is a wonderful thing to know you can trust at least one person with your innermost thoughts.  It is difficult to learn to trust if you have had problems with others betraying your trust before.  This is where time staying with the same therapist can help a great deal. With luck perhaps you too can view your therapist as a superhero, or someone you can laugh freely with.

The Different Faces of Depression

 Depression Has a Few Faces

by one who visits the mental health pros.

I have been depressed for most of my life.  Basically, since I was four years old.  Luckily, most people needn't put up with it for that long.  A lot of people suffer what is called "situational depression."  This is depression that follows certain situations such as a bad break up, divorce, the loss of a friend to a move or even death.  Those are situations that bring up bouts of depression, and the length of time it is suffered depends upon the degree to which the depression is felt.  We do our best for friends and family who suffer such depressive episodes.  We try to help them ride it out to the end.  When there is a light at the end of the tunnel everyone feels better, and our friend or loved one begins escaping the darkness.  Many times, a good therapist can make this easier and maybe even faster.

Most of us have heard of seasonal depression.  It creeps up on us during the colder shorter days of winter.  Seasonal depression can stand alone, causing sadness to those people who suffer it.  However, it also can sneak up on those who have other kinds of depression making things worse.  Luckily, there are a few things that can help.  If you have the money a vacation in the tropics can add some relief.  If not, there are lamps that imitate the sun that can be used to ease the sadness.  I think taking a walk in the winter sun is a good answer.  Try to find what suits you and partake in it.

Postpartum depression is also out there.  I don't know a lot about it, but I do know it affected me badly after my child was born.  As with the other types of depression giving up is not an option.  If you are overwhelmed find help.  A good therapist (and maybe) medication can work wonders.  You will find yourself slowly but surely finding your way to a brighter place.  Look up this type of depression and see if you can't find helpful information.  It is one form of depression that is experienced by very many women.

There are long sessions of depression, and those that are over with more quickly.   We have all sorts of things to help us through from therapists to medication even paying attention to our pets can help.  I know people who hate the idea of being medicated for depression, but through time and trial and error I have found it to be something that has helped tremendously. Long-term depression is difficult, but there are periods that are more than getting through.  Don't give up and try everything you can to face depression down.  It may seem an impossibility to overcome it, but it's not.  Let me know what you do to face down your depression.

c

Dancing with Bones

By one who goes to therapy, not conducts it.

I struggle with my depression. It’s like dancing with a human skeleton; it’s loose and a sloppy bunch of moves that don’t really hold together. 

 I’m never quite sure of myself, but I do know a few things. First, I know I am a writer. Not published, but a writer nonetheless, and I am terrified of success. You didn't want to be noticed in my childhood home. It could be dangerous. How many of us are out there afraid to shine lights on ourselves?                 

I have worked hard on a multitude of things in my life. I’ve actually written two books, and then I threw them away. Nothing I could do would be good enough. I want to feel free to write and to put the writing out where someone can read it. Do I have what it takes to get people to read and really feel involved in what they read? I don’t know, but I do know I won't find out by doing nothing.

  I truly hope and pray that I am the only one who suffers this fear of putting myself out there. I know for a fact that not everyone succeeds, but I know there is no success without an attempt. I have a therapist who is helping me right now to confront my fears about success. That fear prevents the quiet struggle to succeed. It is a circular battle I fight with myself, and it is getting old.  If this is something you are familiar with keep trying. You just might get there.

 Many of us who suffer from severe depression have problems saying and thinking positive things about ourselves like.  I get too frightened to even try to succeed as it will put me into the spotlight for others to knock down. If you are like me, you might not want to find a way out from under the heavy blanket hiding you from the rest of the world. It makes it hard to become the person we were meant to be.

 I wrote a play when I was 9 years old and have been writing ever since. The play was a very simple thing that took no great talent, but even at the age of nine I knew there was a beginning, a middle, and an end to written work. Being young my fear of success was not as acute as it is now. I hadn’t yet been beaten down for thinking I might succeed. Major Depressive Disorder and a difficult life took their toll as well. However, some part of me is still thinking about succeeding. With time and the help of a good therapist who knows?

Small Joys

By one who goes to therapy (for fun).

 I don't tend to be "up" very often.  Of course, I don't tend to be in the company of others very often either.  I don't know about anybody else, but I think my depression is inflated by my loneliness.  I mean it just makes sense.  However, I have myriad things I do that help me feel happier.  Like sitting in a big chair with two cats and a dog who are trying their best to kick me out of it.  Those two cats and one small dog make me laugh and feel loved. I have a loved one who thinks I don't need my pets, but let's face it; she hasn't got a clue. Pets, no matter what they are, can take our minds off our troubles for just a bit.  Time away from whatever is bothering us is a very good thing. Survival techniques 101.  

People tell me I need to get out more; that I need to volunteer or join a club or group.  I just don't see the relief in that.  I have very few people I'm close to here in town, and, for now, that's enough.  Tell me if you would, what kinds of things help you.  I know doing things like knitting or going hunting is a relief to some. So, if going out and getting yourself something you like helps, why not? I'm not endorsing overindulgence, but I am rooting for self-kindness and care.

My pets are my most cherished "activities".  I find that the dog is eager to please and does not feel the need to argue with me.  She runs around the yard with wild abandon frequently stopping by me to make sure I don't want to join this joyous game She is refreshing.  I put one of my cats into a harness and go outside to walk him a bit. He just has to walk us right through the dog's racetrack so we both wind up jumping out of the dog's way.  It's silly, but silly makes the world go round. We usually wind up sitting on the front porch watching. Just watching.  These are things that relieve stress (for me), and that often wind up with laughter. The outdoors offers us relief in a lot of ways.  You don't have to be a golfer or some other type of athlete to enjoy it.  Sun can help relieve depression I've been told, and you can't get much of that inside. It also doesn't cost you anything.  Finding things you like, or are even passionate about, can make the world a brighter place.  It may not last forever, but that's okay.  You can just do it again.

A Quest For Therapy

☝Therapy 

Finding a therapist that is good and fits your needs can be challenging. In the first place, therapy costs money. However, getting a good therapist on an extremely tight budget can be done without too much trouble. For those of us who are financially challenged, doing your research, asking questions of health care providers, and making sure you are aware of the different organizations that will lend a helping hand, you can make sure you get what you need. My own excellent therapist works for such an organization that reaches out to those in need. I grant you, it can be a daunting task to start to uncover answers. Yet, with help from friends, family, and trusted people in your life it can be a rewarding experience. Understand giving up should not be an option. If you need help, you deserve to get it as much as that guy with a roll of fifties in his pocket. I have the ill luck to suffer from Major Depressive Disorder-Recurrent-Severe. What that means is that I spend a lot of time terribly depressed. When I first realized that I couldn't handle this depression by myself and that I needed a professional, I knew it was a lost cause. A friend recognized that I was on the verge of giving up and talked me into trying. She moved out of town and across the country shortly thereafter, but she had given me what I needed. She was able to support me with assurances I wasn't crazy or somehow defective, and that whoever I contacted during this search wouldn't think so either.

I persevered and continued my search. It didn't occur to me that finding a therapist wasn't the end of things. I went into therapy with the idea that the therapist would figure out what was wrong with me, and I would be on my merry way. Not so much. First of all, I was really uncomfortable with my first therapist. It was a matter of very different personalities, and eventually, I was back on the search. I didn't quit for some reason that I don't really understand, and I am so glad. I was lucky. The second go-around with a therapist turned out okay. I pushed my patience level hard but got some very good help. I also learned that the work done in therapy is my job. The therapist was able to work around my misguided ideas and lead me to answers I discovered myself. It was a revelation to me that I knew myself well enough to make real progress. I was guided to understand that I was halfway intelligent, and not stupid as I had always been told I was. It was the beginning of self-acceptance for me. I still haven't accepted myself and all my problems, but then I'm working on it

There are some key things to remember when you go into therapy. You cannot always find the perfect fit, but continuing anyway can introduce you to your own strength, if it is a really uncomfortable pairing, keep looking.  As I said before, quitting is not an option. With hard work and difficult conversations, come delightful insights into yourself and those you love. I discovered through all of this that I actually enjoyed talking with my life guides. It is a way to invite smiles and laughter into my world. Through talk therapy, I have learned courage. That courage informs me that we can learn to stop hiding who we are. Learning about ourselves gives people the ability to learn more about others. Believe it or not, we are not the only ones feeling this way. When you understand those around you better, things become a little easier. Whether you are going through something rough, or you have always felt that something was missing from your life, therapy helps. It is, without a doubt, the best thing that has come into my life.