Dancing with Bones

By one who goes to therapy, not conducts it.

I struggle with my depression. It’s like dancing with a human skeleton; it’s loose and a sloppy bunch of moves that don’t really hold together. 

 I’m never quite sure of myself, but I do know a few things. First, I know I am a writer. Not published, but a writer nonetheless, and I am terrified of success. You didn't want to be noticed in my childhood home. It could be dangerous. How many of us are out there afraid to shine lights on ourselves?                 

I have worked hard on a multitude of things in my life. I’ve actually written two books, and then I threw them away. Nothing I could do would be good enough. I want to feel free to write and to put the writing out where someone can read it. Do I have what it takes to get people to read and really feel involved in what they read? I don’t know, but I do know I won't find out by doing nothing.

  I truly hope and pray that I am the only one who suffers this fear of putting myself out there. I know for a fact that not everyone succeeds, but I know there is no success without an attempt. I have a therapist who is helping me right now to confront my fears about success. That fear prevents the quiet struggle to succeed. It is a circular battle I fight with myself, and it is getting old.  If this is something you are familiar with keep trying. You just might get there.

 Many of us who suffer from severe depression have problems saying and thinking positive things about ourselves like.  I get too frightened to even try to succeed as it will put me into the spotlight for others to knock down. If you are like me, you might not want to find a way out from under the heavy blanket hiding you from the rest of the world. It makes it hard to become the person we were meant to be.

 I wrote a play when I was 9 years old and have been writing ever since. The play was a very simple thing that took no great talent, but even at the age of nine I knew there was a beginning, a middle, and an end to written work. Being young my fear of success was not as acute as it is now. I hadn’t yet been beaten down for thinking I might succeed. Major Depressive Disorder and a difficult life took their toll as well. However, some part of me is still thinking about succeeding. With time and the help of a good therapist who knows?