Dancing with Bones

By one who goes to therapy, not conducts it.

I struggle with my depression. It’s like dancing with a human skeleton; it’s loose and a sloppy bunch of moves that don’t really hold together. 

 I’m never quite sure of myself, but I do know a few things. First, I know I am a writer. Not published, but a writer nonetheless, and I am terrified of success. You didn't want to be noticed in my childhood home. It could be dangerous. How many of us are out there afraid to shine lights on ourselves?                 

I have worked hard on a multitude of things in my life. I’ve actually written two books, and then I threw them away. Nothing I could do would be good enough. I want to feel free to write and to put the writing out where someone can read it. Do I have what it takes to get people to read and really feel involved in what they read? I don’t know, but I do know I won't find out by doing nothing.

  I truly hope and pray that I am the only one who suffers this fear of putting myself out there. I know for a fact that not everyone succeeds, but I know there is no success without an attempt. I have a therapist who is helping me right now to confront my fears about success. That fear prevents the quiet struggle to succeed. It is a circular battle I fight with myself, and it is getting old.  If this is something you are familiar with keep trying. You just might get there.

 Many of us who suffer from severe depression have problems saying and thinking positive things about ourselves like.  I get too frightened to even try to succeed as it will put me into the spotlight for others to knock down. If you are like me, you might not want to find a way out from under the heavy blanket hiding you from the rest of the world. It makes it hard to become the person we were meant to be.

 I wrote a play when I was 9 years old and have been writing ever since. The play was a very simple thing that took no great talent, but even at the age of nine I knew there was a beginning, a middle, and an end to written work. Being young my fear of success was not as acute as it is now. I hadn’t yet been beaten down for thinking I might succeed. Major Depressive Disorder and a difficult life took their toll as well. However, some part of me is still thinking about succeeding. With time and the help of a good therapist who knows?

Small Joys

By one who goes to therapy (for fun).

 I don't tend to be "up" very often.  Of course, I don't tend to be in the company of others very often either.  I don't know about anybody else, but I think my depression is inflated by my loneliness.  I mean it just makes sense.  However, I have myriad things I do that help me feel happier.  Like sitting in a big chair with two cats and a dog who are trying their best to kick me out of it.  Those two cats and one small dog make me laugh and feel loved. I have a loved one who thinks I don't need my pets, but let's face it; she hasn't got a clue. Pets, no matter what they are, can take our minds off our troubles for just a bit.  Time away from whatever is bothering us is a very good thing. Survival techniques 101.  

People tell me I need to get out more; that I need to volunteer or join a club or group.  I just don't see the relief in that.  I have very few people I'm close to here in town, and, for now, that's enough.  Tell me if you would, what kinds of things help you.  I know doing things like knitting or going hunting is a relief to some. So, if going out and getting yourself something you like helps, why not? I'm not endorsing overindulgence, but I am rooting for self-kindness and care.

My pets are my most cherished "activities".  I find that the dog is eager to please and does not feel the need to argue with me.  She runs around the yard with wild abandon frequently stopping by me to make sure I don't want to join this joyous game She is refreshing.  I put one of my cats into a harness and go outside to walk him a bit. He just has to walk us right through the dog's racetrack so we both wind up jumping out of the dog's way.  It's silly, but silly makes the world go round. We usually wind up sitting on the front porch watching. Just watching.  These are things that relieve stress (for me), and that often wind up with laughter. The outdoors offers us relief in a lot of ways.  You don't have to be a golfer or some other type of athlete to enjoy it.  Sun can help relieve depression I've been told, and you can't get much of that inside. It also doesn't cost you anything.  Finding things you like, or are even passionate about, can make the world a brighter place.  It may not last forever, but that's okay.  You can just do it again.

A Quest For Therapy

☝Therapy 

Finding a therapist that is good and fits your needs can be challenging. In the first place, therapy costs money. However, getting a good therapist on an extremely tight budget can be done without too much trouble. For those of us who are financially challenged, doing your research, asking questions of health care providers, and making sure you are aware of the different organizations that will lend a helping hand, you can make sure you get what you need. My own excellent therapist works for such an organization that reaches out to those in need. I grant you, it can be a daunting task to start to uncover answers. Yet, with help from friends, family, and trusted people in your life it can be a rewarding experience. Understand giving up should not be an option. If you need help, you deserve to get it as much as that guy with a roll of fifties in his pocket. I have the ill luck to suffer from Major Depressive Disorder-Recurrent-Severe. What that means is that I spend a lot of time terribly depressed. When I first realized that I couldn't handle this depression by myself and that I needed a professional, I knew it was a lost cause. A friend recognized that I was on the verge of giving up and talked me into trying. She moved out of town and across the country shortly thereafter, but she had given me what I needed. She was able to support me with assurances I wasn't crazy or somehow defective, and that whoever I contacted during this search wouldn't think so either.

I persevered and continued my search. It didn't occur to me that finding a therapist wasn't the end of things. I went into therapy with the idea that the therapist would figure out what was wrong with me, and I would be on my merry way. Not so much. First of all, I was really uncomfortable with my first therapist. It was a matter of very different personalities, and eventually, I was back on the search. I didn't quit for some reason that I don't really understand, and I am so glad. I was lucky. The second go-around with a therapist turned out okay. I pushed my patience level hard but got some very good help. I also learned that the work done in therapy is my job. The therapist was able to work around my misguided ideas and lead me to answers I discovered myself. It was a revelation to me that I knew myself well enough to make real progress. I was guided to understand that I was halfway intelligent, and not stupid as I had always been told I was. It was the beginning of self-acceptance for me. I still haven't accepted myself and all my problems, but then I'm working on it

There are some key things to remember when you go into therapy. You cannot always find the perfect fit, but continuing anyway can introduce you to your own strength, if it is a really uncomfortable pairing, keep looking.  As I said before, quitting is not an option. With hard work and difficult conversations, come delightful insights into yourself and those you love. I discovered through all of this that I actually enjoyed talking with my life guides. It is a way to invite smiles and laughter into my world. Through talk therapy, I have learned courage. That courage informs me that we can learn to stop hiding who we are. Learning about ourselves gives people the ability to learn more about others. Believe it or not, we are not the only ones feeling this way. When you understand those around you better, things become a little easier. Whether you are going through something rough, or you have always felt that something was missing from your life, therapy helps. It is, without a doubt, the best thing that has come into my life.